this isnt easy ..
and this isnt one of my masteries ...
i have never been so panicked like this before ...
and honestly, fear keep on subsiding inside ...
if tis only involves me, just me ... i would perhaps care less ...
but sum1 worth taking care for and so fragile is so much on the spotlight to be focused on ...
not me ... no more ...

there have been a lot of issues lately and i hate to think why they are all coming up now ...
why now ..why not yesterday?
I have been recently dealing with a lot of pains -- emotional and physical ...
i have been through a lot of sleepless nights -- so preoccupied with what if's and but's ...
i mean, im not a know-it-all-freak when it comes to this ...
im just so dead tired dealing with arguments over and over ...
can someone be more considerate this time?
after 5 mos, ok, let's get back to normal ...
and we can fight and argue like hell ...
please not now ...
and when i say, nhhirapan ako ...
im not trying to be another character actress as you always accused me ....
my god, dont i have the right to feel difficulty? ....
im not superwoman ....
all we need right now is just a balanced pampering ...
and a lot of security --- emotional security ...
that's all ... is that too much to ask?
i dont wanna appear stubborn all the time and believe me, im trying ...

im sori, but sumtimes i wanted some break for myself ....
especially when things are becoming suffocative ...
and dont wori, im not doing that for myself ..
but for sab ... if u care for me less ....
please do it for the kid ...

whew!

i miss u, you dont have any idea how i do ...
please come home this weekend ...
sab's been waiting for you ...

i dont imagine myself bein a plain housewife and a mom to a kid or kids in a faraway calamba ...
literally far from my friends, colleagues and the things and the life i was used to - carefree, full of adventure ...
i can't imagine how this new life could be super strange and new to me ...
i haven't picture myself bein dedicated to nursering a kid and a dad both at the same time YET ...
it has not sinked in my thoughts yet ...
plus of course the process of reaching out to the in-laws ...
super scary and something to be ready for ...
though i know tis is something i was looking forward before ....
i didnt expect this too soon ...

but everything's goin into its proper places now ...
he has told his mom just yesterday and surprisingly he didnt get the anger and the yell and all he was expecting ...
funny, coz she was just counting and calculating when did the baby was made and wen we are expecting her to arrive ...
of course, the never-ending advises were there ...
but were glad coz atleast we can now sleep well at night ....

hon's coming home this weekend ...
cant wait ...

half of the prob's resolved ...
the camats had accepted it ...
it's now official ...
and i was really really overwhelmed with the warmth and the acceptance even if no one expected it this soon ...
honey came home and the spent the weekend over with sab ...
to mine and sab's surprise, he told me that his family's waiting for us the next day ...
alah! this is it!
we wer super scared and nervous and paranoid and intoxicated and all ....
honey's dad called for i guess 4 times when we were there and talked to me ...
it was hard, it was difficult to come up with a decision first and to deliver it to them when we have not even come up with our own decision yet...
there were no concrete plans yet, and i really dont know where to start ...
it scares me when I wake up everyday realizing it is another day and the next day will be judgment day ....
im scared more for sab ...


a mom's instinct is indeed magical ...
mama texted me yesterday and askin me if i wanna tell her something ...
she told me that she already knows it, she just wanna hear me tell her ...
i dont know how she has some up with such an idea ..
i dont know yet ...
we havent talked yet, perhaps this weekend ...
another acceptance? or another denial?
i dont know ...
ill just pray for the best ...


sab's booming bigger and bigger this past few days ..
and she's becoming hyper active everyday ...
wheneve i talked to her, i can feel her tossing as if she understands and she responds ..
on the other hand, her mom's back has been aching for the past couple of days ...
and is often gets tired from walkingh from Monarks to Techno One Plaza
oh well,this is the life her mom chose to live by ...
then take the challenge ..

goodluck to us!

sab's an ...

------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on
attention. no self control. kind hearted. self
confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.
easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every
thing's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing.
loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates
not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be
loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone".
longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or
restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring.
always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming"
or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious.
independent. strong willed. a fighter.



very much like her mom ...

getting married seems to be easy and impeccable nowadays ...
especially if the guy gets the girl pregnant ...
just secure a marriage license at the nearest Civil Registry office, attend seminars and have a solemnizing officer do bless a ceremony and then yuna! ...
u arent ur own self anymore ...
u are already 'married' ...
my friends' experience has convinced me that marriage does not always seems to be the best solution of giving the kid a name to live by ...
thus giving the couple more complications at the end ...
jinky has been married to Mac when we were only at our sophomore year in college -- due to being pregnant ..
ladyrose has just been wed jan of last year -- also due to having a baby ...
and where that both lead them ...
se'pa'ra'tion ...
annulment isnt an option ...
how much does an annulment normally cost?
besdes, d nman cla mga artista, lol..

the new family code (Chapter 3, Art 177) states that illegitimate children may now used the surname of the father if their filiation has been expressly recognized by the father through the record of birth appearing in the civil register ...
however the kid is stil considered illegitimate ...
In lay-man's term, illegitimate means ....not recognized as lawful offspring; or in other words, il'le'gal ...
or not sanctioned by law ...
err .. sounds bumpy in the ear ...
if i were the kid bein termed as illegitimate, i would feel inferior ...
but id rather think better of why was my dad and mom decided not to get married...


marriage isnt about age but decisions ...
it is not about wedding but the lifetime commitment ...
it is not about being excited but being ready ...
am i ready?


am i????